You must shrink in faith, not grow in it

Yesterday I wrote about the crucifixion of Jesus from a point of view I had, where I experienced it for myself within me. But one of the things that I didn’t mention was how, as Jesus was at the end of his ropes, He looked up and complained to the Heavenly Father (the Christ), that He had been abandoned by the power He trusted in. After all, it was this higher power that had asked Jesus to go do the work He did, told Him He would be resurrected and all that. So what went wrong?


What happens when you give in to the spiritual process, is that your faith actually goes down, not up. Why? Because even Faith is an idea, not an actuality. I’ve written about faith before and essentially called out the fact that its about the way you live, not the way you pray or that you have an idea about what’s going to happen to you and so on. It lies in acceptance, total acceptance, of whatever is going on. And that includes the fact that you may feel utterly faithless. To be very honest, I used to experience total faithlessness on a near constant basis as I was doing my spiritual service, but I kept recommitting. That’s all the difference is, it seems, between people who keep moving forward vs people who don’t.

The difference between people who make it vs people who don’t, is commitment. Not power, strength, willingness, happiness, resources, upbringing, supports, training, education…etc. When you’re down, just recommit to your spiritual path, not to ‘money’ or ‘your goals’. Recommit to your guru — He’s an embodiment of love.

Basically, what Jesus felt was a total lack of strength to continue holding on, so He had to give up holding on. In other words, He had to give in, surrender. That’s what ultimately led to His crucifixion — until then, He was simply being tortured. This is what all of you refuse to do — give in. Once you do, your crucifixion will be over before you know it. So what is the whole ‘journey’ about? Simply the fact that you refuse to give in at once, and insist on giving in very slowly, one small thing at a time.

But how do you give in all at once? Is it even possible? Yes, its called doing nothing. Don’t go to work, don’t eat, don’t sleep, don’t drink, don’t do anything — just sit quietly as long as you need to until you’re done with your suffering. Or lay down, its alright. But basically, you don’t do anything until your suffering is entirely gone, i.e. your karma is entirely dissolved. This is what Jesus did in the desert. And I too did it, almost exactly like He did before I ever came in touch with Him in my spiritual experiences. I literally went into the New Mexico desert and sat alone, for weeks on end. I told people that I went there to do ‘amateur astronomy’ and I had the gear, but frankly, all I did was walk around. And when I felt the need to sit down, I sat down, waited, waited and waited some more. And one fine day, suddenly, everything became very very clear. That was it.

Now, in my case, I wasn’t working out my own karma.

See, we are all born enlightened, actually. It’s just that all of you lost it, while I didn’t. I simply never had the ‘wherewithal’ to fight whatever was thrown at me, so I gave in, to people, women especially who tortured me relentlessly, dogs, cats, weather, vehicles, situations of all kinds — everything came and went and I just took it. I didn’t resist, I didn’t fight back and most of the time, I had no argument to make either, because I simply didn’t feel like I was the one being victimized. I felt like it was something else that was taking on the brunt of the pain.


God is the doer, they often say in Eastern religions. But in my case, I wasn’t even aware of such ‘insight’, as I simply went along with whatever and found myself in strange places, among weird people who constantly showed me what the worst of humanity had to offer. And every time something bad happened (and only bad things would happen to me, mostly!), I would feel a dip. I was losing my life, basically. All of my creative energy was being sucked out by women who came and took whatever the hell they wanted. And this continued on and on and on. For decades.

Don’t think that I was into sex, drugs and rock-and-roll. Far from it, I lived a quiet, simple life, was abused and took it. I suffered bruises, kicks, slaps, spitting, accusations, insinuations, disciplinary actions, detention by the police (simply for being on I-10 — they thought I was an illegal immigrant!), etc. I’ve been fired for being creative, abandoned for being inclusive, even abused by women who thought I was staring at them when I was sleeping with sunglasses on. Stuff like that :) That’s what happens when you carry karma — random shit is thrown at you, ‘for no reason’.

Once I was done with most of this, I found myself in the desert where basically, my healing process started. It was very sudden. I distinctly remember arriving in the desert, witnessing a giant sun setting over a curve in the road and being overwhelmed with happiness. I burst out laughing, crying and then, for weeks afterwards, I was in total bliss. I simply had no awareness of my body and simply walked around in a daze, unable to make any sense of how good I felt all of a sudden. It was intensely pleasant, to say the least. Add to that the fantastic scenery of the New Mexico Mesa country, White Sands and so on, and I was practically in Heaven on Earth already.

When I came back from the trip (I didn’t want to return, but you know — surrender), everyone felt I had changed a lot, as I started to finally share how I really saw life. Until then, I had kept my mouth shut for the most part. Why? Because I was utterly faithless almost the whole damn time.

Everything would go wrong so much that I had no hope for myself, whatsoever. I thought everything was always going to be cloudy, dark and foreboding, but inside me I always felt like there was this purity, a light shining brightly, just saying — “it’s alright”. So I kept moving forward.

When my healing process ended (it took 7 years), and I started living in Los Angeles, writing and so on, I’ve basically become happier than I was in the desert. And that light inside me? It’s gone! So what happened? It became my life.

In case you’re wondering what it feels like, it literally feels like everything is bright, cheery and clear. Imagine waking up feeling absolutely perfect one morning and then multiply that by a million times, and you may get a sense of how I feel. I don’t mean that I feel good (I do) — I mean that the world around me feels amazing. I look at a woman, perfect. I look at a license plate, perfect. I sip a decaf Americano, deliciously perfect. Every single thing I look at is perfect. What has happened is that the light is blowing away the darkness so effectively that I don’t see darkness at all. But you will never arrive at this state unless you’re willing to be in total darkness, completely alone, without supports. That’s what Jesus did, in the very last moment before He died.

You will never arrive at happiness unless you’re willing to be in total darkness, completely alone, without support.

All of you, lazy people, basically don’t want to go there. You want someone else to carry you through the worst of it. But you are being carried — God is the one carrying all of us. Frankly, He’s carrying all of life. You just insist on pretending to hold on to your luggage instead of just throwing it away, and letting God carry it if He chooses to, or get rid of it. And because you pretend to be burdened, you pretend to be unhappy.

You’re all pretending to be unhappy, which is why none of you are welcome in my life, except those willing to suffer and enlighten themselves.

That’s right — you’re all just pretending to be unhappy, pretending to be in distress, pretending to be this and that. There’s absolutely no authenticity to your way of being. Life isn’t compassionate with pretenders, which is why its thrashing all of you left and right. Life is extremely compassionate with those of you who’re willing to give up your pretense, become real human beings, for a change and get on the spiritual path to unravel all of the worthless bullshit that you’ve internalized. And it does so by throwing at you whatever the hell you need to spew your poison out and be free of it, even an accident!

What does it mean to be willing to shrink in faith? That you’re willing to go into the darkness, to not be afraid to be afraid, to be willing to suffer, to be alone, depressed, lonely, etc. And if you’re willing, you’ll end up there and get out of it in literally a fraction of a second — I mean it. All day as I accumulate the poison of people around me, I do get a bit darker, but when I go home, I work on it, by simply being quiet, and all the garbage unravels — at this point subconsciously. And then, when I am finished with it, I am absolutely clear, once again. That’s all it takes. You get to be free 99.99999…% of the time, not 100% of the time, because on this Earth, pollution is an issue.

On Earth, you get to be free 99.99999…% of the time, not 100% of the time, because on this Earth, pollution is an issue.

I used to ride motorcycles a lot before I crashed one recently and decided to just give up on them until I was recovered fully. At this point, my life is easy — last thing I need is a burdensome vehicle, especially given the gas prices in Los Angeles! When I rode them, I used to work on them myself, for fun. And more than anything else, I enjoyed changing oil on them. The fun thing about motorcycles is that they’re super good at using the same damn oil for a year — you don’t really need to change it at all, if you use the best quality oil, i.e. But the filter is a whole different story. The filter would get really clogged up. So I would change the filter even when the ‘manual’ called for leaving it in. The manual is wrong — the filter needs changing much more than the oil! At least, it needs to be cleaned out if you’re doing any ‘enthusiastic’ riding, in dirt and such, stressing the motor. The same goes for the air filter — much more so actually! But people are loathe to perform regular maintenance. They’d much rather ‘push’ the machine until it’s no longer able to handle the demands. I see shitty vehicles in Los Angeles everywhere — beautiful machines, maintained very poorly.

This is what your body is up to, all the time — its trying to get rid of the old filter, rebuild it and let you go out and have fun. But you never let the body finish, which means your filter is always clogged up, meaning that you need a bigger, and bigger ‘hit’ in order to feel like you’re having fun. So you look like those beat-up old vehicles on the streets of Los Angeles. You’re beautiful, but you’re so poorly maintained that you’ve got no life in you. Who the hell wants to take you for a ride? No one good. And this is why, you attract the kinds of people that are interested in taking you for a ride, abusing you, abandoning you and calling it a day. You call them ‘bad boys’ — and they’re really, really bad for you. When you’re in deep shit, they’ll say whatever they must say in order to get in and then out of your world and you’ll be alone — again. This is how women live.

When you’re in deep shit, the so-called ‘bad boys’ will say whatever they must say in order to get in and then out of your world and you’ll be alone — again. This is how women live.

You all know this, why is why you’ve decided that you no longer want real men, because real men will never put up with your bullshit, nor will they act like bad boys and take advantage of you. You’ve decided that what you want, are a bunch of just ‘boys’ — your sons, really — that you’ll abuse into having ‘fun’ with you. If that sounds revolting, it is — and it shows in the way you live. You’re basically pretending to love your own sons as if they’re your husbands, making them do work on your behalf, like raise children and so on. Men aren’t interested in raising children, but in loving them — end of story. Because you know this, vast numbers of women have decided that this is about all they can have in their life — an immature boy who isn’t ready for anything but hard work so he can become a man. And you put him into service.

I see this where I write often; as a horde of high school teenagers walks by, it is utterly clear that all the boys are waiting for orders, for someone to please show them the way, put them to work, allow them to use their bodies for a change. And there’s no women around, just idiot girls completely lost in their dreams and nightmares. Of course, these girls dress like the boys nowadays, call each other ‘bro’ and so on. It’s a boys’ club, at this point.

Instead of forcing your body to go through all that, be willing to give it a rest, let the body recuperate and then you may go out and have fun. Along the way, you’ll learn how important it is for you to rest. And as that wisdom seeps in, you will naturally do it as and when necessary. As your body does rest, it will first get rid of the trash — that always comes first. Its like cleaning your room — do you reorganize first, or do you get rid of all the trash? Then, when the body is clean, it starts to reorganize, put everything in the right place. The mind should do this, not that — it should be quiet, not comment on everything. The body should be silent, not noisy. And clean, disease free, well rested and happy. Then, the psyche is rebuilt. Everything is put in its place and then, when you go outside, it will get completely clobbered.

Everything will go back to being ‘wrong’, because the world isn’t an easy place to have fun in. If we all lived in the wilderness, the sheer discomfort, physicality and life energy expended to survive would take care of all psychiatric, mental, physical and spiritual issues. I mean living wild, not in an RV. Or a tiny house.

Once everything does go wrong, what do you do? Sit quietly, again, as the body figures out all the problems, fixes them and rebuilds. And you do this again, and again and again, until one day, the body knows what to kick out, how to do so, and where to be while its doing it.

In the sun.

The next few posts are going to cover the elements — fire, Earth, wind, water and sky — and exactly how they’re effective, but sunlight is the most powerful disinfectant against everything, including karma, which is why California is where all the spiritual types gather, especially Southern California. Its no accident.

In other words, you decide to live in the light; spiritually — in the light of Christ, physically — in the sun, emotionally — with sweet people, sexually — with happy human beings, mentally — with quiet minds and so on. You will simply not go where idiots gather, like night clubs, for example. Unless you’re in service, at which point — all bets are off — you’re going to put yourself through whatever the hell you must in order to serve. But you’re already fearless at that point, and you know how to take care of your darkness, so why bother?

And that is why, when you’re in that place, life decides to intervene.

My life is such that I make no decisions whatsoever.

I don’t know who is good or bad, holy or unholy, happy or unhappy, sick or well, etc. I simply take it as it comes, don’t complain, don’t get down or even mildly unclear, but simply hang out until whatever ‘sickness’ has afflicted me has cleared. It often takes just a momentary release, one that happens whenever I am out and about. Its not even a big deal — something like a hot flash in my feet, for example, is all it takes to get rid of a whole bunch of trash that I’ve accumulated by sitting in a space with other people. If you spend time with me, you’ll see me doing some strange things with my fingers. In Yoga, they’re called Mudras. They came to me, naturally — I haven’t ever taken a Yoga class. Life intervened.

Also, life works to keep me safe, putting me on routes as safe as possible as I am walking. All over Los Angeles, people are actually smiling and waving as I walk past — in Los Angeles!! Even as recently as a month ago this wasn’t the case. So why did I write? Because you all need to understand the way, not just ‘the end’. The absolute end is total dissolution — you really cease to exist forever. So if all I wrote about was ‘the end’, it would look like this:

(Blank space, in other words)

I am still willing to walk into a dark place. This is why I was chosen to do this kind of work, to awaken the feminine, in Los Angeles, among some of the worst people on the planet!

You must be too.

Stay young and beautiful.




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